Smoke and Ashes

Two things I didn't think qualified as physical excertion: walking and softball

Saturday, DLS and I walked in a 10K charity fund raiser.  Sunday, our newly formed softball team, played in a doubleheader. Monday, I can barely walk.

As a side note, we inadvertently instituted a new team ritual on Sunday. We finished our first game, which we won by the slaughter rule, and headed to the parking lot for a celebratory beer. Half way through my beer, my phone rang - it was the manager of another team calling me to congratulate us on our first win... and to ask where the hell we were. Being the fabulous team manager that I am, I misread the schedule and had no idea we were scheduled to play two games. Fortunately, no one had left, so we chugged whatever was left our beer and headed back down to the field. Even with a slight buzz, we won 24-2.

Helpful Tip #331

When you've dropped your only set of house keys off to get copied, pay special attention to what time the place closes.

My worst nightmare

I've spent the last ten minutes looking for the post from a couple years ago that makes what I'm about to write more relevant, but I can't find it, so I'll start from the beginning.

A couple years ago when I was living in NY and commuting back and forth to Boston and trade shows all over the country, I spent a lot of time at hotels. One hotel in particular stocked the bathroom with Bvlgari lotions, shampoos, etc.  One day before work, I put the Bvlgari lotion on my legs, and about an hour into my day, I had a raging headache from the smell. I had tried to wash it off - I literally took soapy paper towels, stripped down in the bathroom and washed my legs, but I realized it was actually in the fabric of my pants. I had a date after work and I knew that I couldn't possibly go in my current state - #1, my head killed, and #2, I was was distracted by the smell that I couldn't focus on anything else. My solution was to go to CVS and spray myself down with Febreeze. I also bought a pack of dryer sheets and shoved a couple in my pocket. I thought it was rather ingenious - albeit totally and utterly neurotic - of me.

And to bring it back to today...

I'm at a conference in Pasadena. It's being hosted at a really nice hotel that stocks Bvlgari products and apparently everyone here decided to take advantage. The whole place smells so musky, I want to die. There isn't enough Febreeze in the world to offset what's going on here, or enough Excedrin to cure my headache.

What NOT to do at work

So it's Friday afternoon. It's been a long week. I've worked hard. I decided to take a little break and watch a video clip of a comedian that performed out in Palm Springs for Dinah Shore. I plugged in my headphones, and pressed play. I knew I was in for a good laugh when the person introducing her said she got kicked off stage at the Laugh Connection (or some venue) for being too crass. I started watching the set, being careful to laugh silently in land-o-cubes. About halfway through, I took out an earphone, only to realize, this whole time it had been PLAYING OUT LOUD.

My office is so quiet on a Friday afternoon that you can hear a pin drop. I'm pretty sure the word "penis" echoed through the entire floor like the bells of Notre Dame.

I'm going to go hide under my desk now.

Jesus Likes to Be Tickled, Part II

As a follow up to Jesus likes to be tickled, I thought I'd share this picture from the FailBlog, a site dedicated to all things that, despite good intentions (or not), fail:

Added benefits

Since I started rock climbing a couple months ago, the unthinkable has happened... I have developed muscles! As an added benefit, I went bowling the other night and bowled a 111, my best score by about 30 points (I'm terrible, I know). I think my sudden improvement, however, is due directly to the fact that I'm now strong enough to physically hold a bowling ball. Hurray.

"Abundant Sunshine" makes me happy

Just a few more days til Vegas bacheloretting...

My dog has opposable thumbs

Since moving to Boston, Keela has managed to eat more chocolate than I can even calculate. The first time, she managed to get onto our kitchen counter and eat an entire box of Viactiv Chocolate Calcium supplements.  After that, we learned to close the kitchen door when she's home. I left a chocolate lollipop in a bag and forgot about it until I saw remnants of paperwork strewn all over the living room floor. We left her unattended in the car while we ran inside to pee and get gas, and she somehow managed to find a sleeve of thin mints that we had stashed for the drive.  We are bad pet owners.

Last night, though, I brought home a mini peppermint patty, a mini butterfinger, and a mini bag of m&m's. They were in my zipped vest pocket. I left the little bastard alone for 3 minutes and she had somehow managed to get into my pocket without ripping it, extract the butterfinger and the m&ms, and devour them.

Jesus Likes to Be Tickled

This weekend, I went back to Nantucket for my nephew's first communion. I couldn't have scripted a better SNL parody of the whole church scandal if I tried. It doesn't retell as well without the visual, but I'll give it my best shot.

The priest invited all the kids to stand in a semi-circle around him, and asked, "What does Jesus look like?" A couple kids gazed at the big crucifix hanging above the priest, but most just stared blankly. The priest then reached for an inch thick stack of pictures, held up the first one and said, "Here's a picture of Jesus. This looks familiar to everyone, right?" The kids nodded. He then handed the picture to the Sunday school teacher, who pinned it up on a cork board. He then started making his way through the stack of 50 pictures. Ten would have made his point, but he plodded through all 50.

"Here's a more modern-looking Jesus..."

"Here's a more classical-looking Jesus..."

"Here's one that's kind of funky looking..."

"Here's one of Jesus with a tattoo. I bet your parents don't like that picture of Jesus!"

He droned on and on, until he got to a few that made our ears perk up.

"Here's one of Jesus giving a little boy a hug. Would YOU like a hug from Jesus?"

"Here's one of Jesus being tickled. Jesus likes being tickeled."

The rest of his sermon continued:

"So last week, I was praying for inspiration about how I was going to show you little boys and girls just what Jesus looked like. God answered my prayers and it came to me. Would you like to see what Jesus REALLY looks like? Ok kids, I keep this one behind the altar, so I'm going to call you up one by one so that you can see what Jesus really looks like."

At this point, the priest retreats to behind the altar, so that you can only see him from the waist up. He takes his secret little package and holds it right below the altar - ie, slightly below his waist... if you see where I'm heading with this. He then calls them up one by one to peak behind the altar and see what Jesus looks like. The first little boy walks up behind the altar, takes a peak at what the priest is holding, kind of chuckles, and then heads back to the semi-circle. He leans over to whisper into the next kid's ear what he saw, and the priest says, "now, now, don't tell!" Another little kid walks up and the priest asks, "do you like what you see?"

My nephew, of course, walks up, takes a look, and says something that nobody can really hear, but then the priest responded in a somewhat incredulous tone, "Yes, I'm serious." Thatta boy, Jack.

It turned out that the priest was holding a mirror. A touching message, perhaps, but how on Earth this guy could have been oblivious to how the whole thing looked and sounded is completely beyond me.

The rest of the weekend, "Jesus likes to be tickled" was an oft-used punchline.

I can't believe it's baseball season again

This winter feels like it's lingered around forever. It's been a great few months, but I've never more anxiously anticipated the arrival of spring. I swear if it snows one more time in Boston, I might lose my mind. I've also taken on this translucent, pasty whiteness that really is just an abomination. Thank heavens I'm heading to Vegas, Baby in a few weeks for a bachelorette party.

Maybe with spring will come more blog-related energy. I know the posts have been few, far between and unexciting. I actually toyed with the idea of shutting down the blog, but I'm hoping it's just a phase.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

I celebrated by eating Shepherd's Pie alone at a restaurant during an hour break before a work meeting started. That's a little different than my drunken Somerville house crawl last year. 

It fools me every time

I have a pair of dress pants from Banana Republic that I wear to work on a fairly regular basis. A few weeks ago, as I squatted down to pick something up, I heard a terrible ripping noise.  Since I was in a public area without a bathroom in sight, there was little I could do. I did manage to find a semi-private little corner where I, in an oh-so-non-chalant way, felt the seam of my pants to determine just how bad it was. When I didn't find any huge, gaping hole, I was confused, but relieved.

"The hole must not be that big," I thought.

A few minutes later, I managed to escape into the ladies room. Now I was free to inspect my pants thoroughly, but again, found no gaping hole. I was very perplexed, but quite certain I wasn't hallucinating when I heard the unmistakable blend of cloth ripping and the potential of a lifetime being "that girl who split her pants in front of everyone."

I finally realized that my pants hadn't split, but the lining of the pants had a giant hole in them.  This was a big victory for me, because I really like these pants and wanted to continue wearing them. One unanticipated problem: the lining continues to rip. I sat down a few minutes ago - within earshot of several colleagues - and again the terrible ripping noise.  I immediately went into panic mode, only to realize, "oh yeah - it's those pants."

Apparently it's time for me to visit a tailor.

One college roommate down, one to go...

My college roommate got hitched in Central Park two weeks ago. She's now honeymooning in Bora Bora. My other college roommate, also pictured, is getting married in Maui over Memorial Day. We're doing that bachelorette/shower next month in Vegas. As you'll recall, L's bachelorette was in South Beach.

I love these ladies, but I really wish their respective fiances would have run it by me before proposing - I would have suggested spacing them out a little more because I'm going broke chasing them around the country.

My first battle wound

In an unlikely turn of events for someone who doesn't do so great with heights and has absolutely zero upper body strength, I've taken up rock climbing.

A friend and I took a lesson a couple weeks ago to pass the safety course and learn how to tie all the fancy knots, and since then, we've been under the personal tutelage of DLS, who has been climbing for awhile. She can do pull ups using only two fingers from each hand. I can't even pull myself up an inch with a full grip around a bar, much less do an actual pull up.

Still, I'm convinced that I'm kind of bad ass now. Granted, they all make fun of my duck feet method for scaling the wall, and yes, by the time I get to the top I have huge pit stains, not so much from the intense physical exertion, but instead from the sheer terror.  Last night I completed a 5.6/5.7 and learned a little move where you use the wall instead of a foot hold, which if you don't know anything about rock climbing doesn't mean much, but let's just say, it means I'm AWESOME (and by "awesome", I mean "total novice who is disproportionately proud of herself").

I also got my first climbing injury. Sure, it's just a tiny skinned elbow, but I'm wearing it like a badge of honor and seriously have to restrain myself from showing it to people and telling them all about how hard core I am now. I may have even spent a few minutes this morning flexing my mosquito bumps... uh, I mean, my biceps, and admiring the fact that they feel a bit harder these days.

At times, I requested a lobotomy

It's been awhile since I've posted, but this time I have an excuse. I spent the majority of last week feeling like crap. For an extra special treat, on Friday I got a migraine that left me alternating between puking and sleeping. Late Saturday I started to come out of my haze, but still am only feeling marginally human.

I feel like over the course of the week, there were lots of times that I thought, "I have to remember to write about this," but due to heavy amounts of medication, all those things have been lost in a black hole.

I will go in search of interesting things this week.

Yes, We Can

Have you seen the video of Barack's "Yes, We Can" speech set to music and riddled with celebrities - Scarlett Johannsen, wil.i.am, Kareem Adbdul Jabar, John Legend, Kate Walsh...?

I have to admit, it gave me the warm and fuzzies. I know it's just rhetoric - poetry versus policy - but you have to admit, it feels good to be inspired by our leaders instead of embarrassed.

Just call me Superwoman

Walking to the store yesterday to pick up some last minute Super Bowl items, I start complaining of a strained hamstring. I can't for the life of me figure out what I did to it, but then it dawns on me...

This weekend my nephew had a hockey tournament in Worcester. After the game, we trekked down to Somerville to go to Good Times for some arcade fun. Among the highlights of the afternoon was the 12 lap Go Kart race. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I pulled my hamstring racing my 12 year old niece, my 10 year old nephew, my brother-in-law and DLS in a go kart race. Apparently, keeping the petal to the metal while maneuvering tight turns is very, very dangerous.

I. am. awesome.

Giving Boston sports fans a bad name

I love the Pats and the Red Sox. I've cheered loudly and visibly for them regardless of where I have lived - a fact that almost got me killed while living in Manhattan during the Red Sox World Series win a couple years ago. I love being a Boston sports fan.

Last night, however, my solidarity with fellow Boston fans was tested by one guy who redefined the term jackass. Despite the fact that we had a 3 year old in our presence, he acted like he had tourettes every time something didn't go the Pats way. Every time something went the Giants way, he'd cry foul. Every time the Pats dropped a ball, he'd scream at the refs to call pass interference. If I didn't know better, I'd suspect he was suffering from 'roid rage, it was that out of control. It took all my strength not to get up and bitch slap him (strength, and fear that if I did, he wouldn't have hesitated to punch me in the face while screaming obscenities). What's worse, it almost made me start cheering for the Giants. I said almost.

I'm all for getting into the game, being excited, cheering loudly, doing obnoxious "my team is better than your team" dances, arguing with the tv when there's clearly been a missed call - all I ask is that we keep it all in perspective.  If you're screaming "punch their f-ing lights out, make 'em bleed, you c*cks*ckers" with a three year old standing two feet away, then maybe it's time to find another hobby.

Trial and Error - and other woes of being a moron

So apparently, when you get a bill from the City of Boston saying you owe $XXX in taxes, they're really just kidding. This is probably commonsense to most people, but to a lowly first time home owner, this came as a shock.  As it turns out, all that money I've  been paying to my mortgage company every month includes money that sits in escrow for the sole purpose of paying those taxes.

Now, in my defense, I was familiar with the general concept of escrow, but I thought it acted more as an insurance policy in the event I didn't pay my taxes versus proactively paying my tax bill every quarter. I suppose if I had thought about it long enough (or even bothered to look at my monthly Countrywide statement instead of just setting up automatic payments), that eventually would have dawned on me. Or maybe not.

I really think the City of Boston needs to do what medical insurance companies do: send out their statement with big letters that read THIS IS NOT A BILL.

In positive news, I'm getting a big chunk of change back from both the city and my mortgage company, so in a way, it was sort of a like an inadvertent savings plan. The timing couldn't be better since my two college roommates have both decided to get married this year. Between bachelorette parties in Miami and Vegas and weddings in New York and Maui, an extra chunk of change is more than welcome.

I've been a lazy blogger

... but I feel like I have a good excuse. My life is all work, which isn't very interesting to anyone but me. I did hit up South Beach for a bachelorette party this weekend, but that's not so blogworthy either.  Ok, it's actually quite blogworthy if this was a different type of personal website, but since it isn't, I'll just say, "It was fun."

I'll try to be better in February than I was in January.

Aging

M: I realized a few nights ago that I'm old.

Me: Why?

M: I'm starting to find the moms on TV hot.

Me: Like who?

M: Kelly Rowan.

Me: Ha. Who's Kelly Rowan?

M: The OC.

Me:  The fact that I didn't know that proves I'm getting old.

M: I know. You know all the tv stars.

I want a knock-your-socks-off book

It's been a long time since I've really loved a book - the kind where you can't stop talking about it and you make it your own personal crusade to get everyone you know to read it. I'm reading Fitting Ends, a collection of short stories by Don Chaon, but it's not scratching the itch for a novel that I can really obsess over. Any suggestions?

Who's getting my vote

I took the Washington Post's "Choose Your Candidate" quiz.  The quiz lists issues and then gives you three options to choose from. You pick your answer, and also weigh how important each issue is to you. My frustration with the quiz was that there was no option for "there is no distinguishable difference between these answers," so several times I just picked any one of the three. The results: Edwards just eeked out Barack, with Hillary a distant third. Barack was my guy heading into the quiz, and he's going to stay that way. For all intents and purposes though, I could get behind any of the leading candidates.

One Year of Home Ownership

One year ago today, I closed on my condo. Holy Jesus, that year went by fast. 

Best thing about home ownership: I don't feel quite as angry writing a monthly mortgage check as I did a monthly rent check. Actually, I don't really write a mortgage check at all - I just type in a few keystrokes.  It's very painless.

Biggest shock of home ownership: the price of heat.  I actually ran out oil once because I thought my oil bill was a mistake and didn't pay it.

Biggest unanticipated perk: I get to have a dog and don't have to worry about getting a landlord's permission or pay crazy pet deposits.

Favorite thing about the condo: ooh, how to pick? The french doors? My deck? The marble floor in the kitchen.

Least favorite thing: Complete and total lack of closet space.

Biggest home improvement in the past year: Installation of the pellet stove with a brick hearth laid by my very own personal Mason.  (Related: See "Biggest shock")

In need of improvement: Apparently, my toilet plumbing needs to be replaced. A family friend looked at it and suggested we turn our toilet into an aquarium, as it already has the bubbles.

Select photos have been posted

I've uploaded some of photos I took. They can be viewed here.

Some of my favorites:

Ice climbers by the side of the road - because where else would you ice climb?

Sunrise (you know, around 10:30 am)

The site of my whiplash.

Because apparently avalanches just aren't bad enough.

So white it's blue. Top of Mount Alyseka.

Battle Wound

One of the most unique things about Alaska in the winter time is the light. The sun doesn't rise until about 10 am. Until then, it's midnight dark. Around 10, the sun starts to rise and everything is beautiful. If you're out in the middle of the back country on a snow mobile, however, everything is exceptionally beautiful and remarkably white. There's really no telling the difference between where the snow covered field ends and the the snow covered mountains start (am I channeling Forrest Gump here or what?). There's really no discerning the line between the mountains and the sky either, but that didn't prove so problematic.

While snowmobiling, the tour guide took us to this big field to "get our bearings." Having never driven a snow mobile before, this was an exceptionally valuable opportunity. I started off very tentatively, but eventually got comfortable enough that I wasn't afraid to open it up a little. At one point, I was going a pretty good clip heading back towards my group of friends when I flew over what I thought was a nice rolling hill. Nope. Depth perception in white out conditions = not so good. It was actually a cliff. Ok, not a *cliff*, but a legitimately steep hill.  Completely unprepared, I flew over the cliff and landed with a whip-lashing motion so strong that my helmet actually bounced off the steering column. Needless to say, it didn't feel so great.

I was surprisingly ok for the next couple of days. A little soreness, but nothing Aleve didn't manage to assuage... until last night. I was visiting my friend's baby and playfully tossed the 14 month old over my head to prop him on my shoulders. That process went ok, but when getting him down, I re-tweaked something, and now every time I turn my head, my neck and shoulders scream in pain.

All in all, it was totally worth it though. DLS has some great snow mobiling pictures. My camera was dead that day. Will post all of them soon.

Happy New Year

Today is our last day in Alaska. It's been an eventful week - skiing, snowshoeing, snowmobiling, driving 3 hours to see Exit Glacier, only to be greeted by a "Road Closed" sign and not enough daylight to make the 8 mile hike in. It's incredibly beautiful up here, and pictures will be coming soon. The general consensus is that as great as winter activities are, a summer trip is definitely in order.

2007 has come and gone. It was a big year for this kid. I moved back to Boston (something I swore I would never do), bought my first house, shared my big secret, DLS and Keela moved in, I switched jobs... all in all, a year full of eventful turning points.

Happy new year, friends.

Perhaps I should pack night vision goggles

Average weather report for Anchorage, AK the week between xmas and New Years. Notice the "Length of Day" notation - a whopping 5 hrs and 29 min.  The record lows also give me pause, but hopefully we'll fall in the high/average range.

Length of Day 5 hrs 29 mins

24 AVERAGES Hi 23°F Lo 11°F RECORDS Hi 47°F Lo -33°F

25 AVERAGES Hi 23°F Lo 11°F RECORDS Hi 47°F Lo -36°F

26 AVERAGES Hi 23°F Lo 11°F RECORDS Hi 44°F Lo -36°F

27 AVERAGES Hi 23°F Lo 10°F RECORDS Hi 48°F Lo -29°F

28 AVERAGES Hi 23°F Lo 10°F RECORDS Hi 46°F Lo -30°F

29 AVERAGES Hi 23°F Lo 10°F RECORDS Hi 46°F Lo -30°F

Parent of the Year

DLS was at Home Depot picking up pellets for our new pellet stove (perfect timing, giving the snow that's coming down). A woman approached her and asked her if she would be interested in babysitting her kid for 15 minutes while she ran in to the store. I mean, I realize DLS is cute and little and blonde, but seriously? Would you trust your child to a stranger driving a Chevy Silverado in a Home Depot parking lot?? What is wrong with people?

Any more lights and it might be tacky

Around the corner from my house...